Holiday Boundary-Setting & Self Care for Fat Folks (15 Resources)
A friend of mine told me a curious story this week: Her preschool-aged daughter brought home an Amish friendship bread starter, a classroom-wide gift from her teacher. The recipe included items she doesn’t keep in the house and required bread-making skills.
The expectation, of course, was that each child’s parent(s) would hunt down the proper ingredients and learn any skills needed to teach their child how to make bread. With no notice, during the holiday season, before the starter exploded from the confines of its Mason jar.
My friend appreciated the thought that went into the gift — from a young teacher who’s passionate about baking — but wasn’t thrilled to have this extra burden.
Mixed Feelings Are Okay!
This is the conflicting nature of the holidays for so many of us. A season that “should” be joyful becomes an obligation to appear joyful while staggering under a stack of expectations, emotional labor and extra duties. For many who’ve experienced losses, trauma or tragedy around the holidays, an extra box of grief gets added to the pile.
That’s not to say that the holidays suck for everyone, or that they suck all the time for those with mixed feelings. I might enjoy a holiday karaoke night with friends and utterly dread going to a family gathering the next day (or vice versa).
For many of us, family is where the expectation boxes start piling up in our arms. For some of us, the holidays look like this:
- Eating a smaller amount than desired at a holiday dinner to prevent remarks on our body size or food preferences
- Appearing alone at holiday gatherings to prevent a “non-traditional” significant other from having to deal with negative reactions from our family members or work colleagues
- Arranging family events that we know we won’t enjoy, because our family expects us to
- Cooking more food than we can reasonably be expected to cook, without sufficient help
- Scrambling to buy, write, address and send out dozens of holiday cards so no one’s feelings are hurt
- Being overwhelmed for months on end
Many of these expectations also fall into the category of emotional labor, which falls almost entirely on women.
Shades of Tinsel: It’s Not Just “Cut Them Off” or “Put Up With It”
Holidays are also when cultural and social norms are instilled and heavily reinforced. That means those of us who live in fat bodies, or are LGBT+, are pretty likely to face a lot of criticism in spaces that should be joyful and warm and welcome.
It’s easy to say “well, just cut those toxic family members out of your life.” Real life, of course, is more complex than that. You can love your uncle and enjoy his company, and still wish he didn’t make a negative comment on your weight once per visit. You can wish your parents would accept your gender without wanting to cut them out of your life. You can love your family and yet not want to hear a constant string of comments that make you feel alone and defensive, or listen to long conversations full of diet talk.
For folks who were raised in an environment where they weren’t allowed to develop or set boundaries, the holidays add yet another box to the now-teetering stack:
- Am I allowed to attend a holiday gathering and expect not to hear negative comments about my body?
- Is it okay to expect my family members to respect my life decisions and not force me to defend those decisions every time I see them?
- How on earth do I go from feeling beaten down after every holiday to being okay while still being able to see my family?
Resources for Holiday Boundary Setting and Self Care
If you’ve ever said “I hate Christmas,” or “I feel like I should be happier during the holidays,” I’ve got your back — whether you choose to (or even want to!) celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, solstice, New Year’s, or just would prefer it all to go away.
You deserve to have a holiday season that’s happy, not a punishment for being you. For those of us who struggle at the holidays, here are some of the best resources on how to set boundaries, take care of ourselves, and know when to draw the line.
For Those Who Live in Large Bodies, or are Fat or Superfat
🎄 I am seeing a ton of food shaming, food policing, and food moralizing. All of this is crap. My Dogs Help You Tell The Food Police To Take A Holiday
🎄 A script you can use to request that people don’t comment on your food or your body in advance, and 5 ways to deal with food and body talk from friends/family. How To Handle Holiday Diet/Body Talk
🎄 Marianne Kirby offers guidance for fat and thin folks alike as we head into holidays centered around food and eating. Marianne’s Twitter thread
🎄 “The Holidays are Coming” is one third of the Dieting Axis of Evil along with “New Years Resolutions” and “Bikini Season is Coming.” The Worst Holiday Diet Tips
🎄 Let me suggest that you don’t have to put up with weight shame (during holidays you celebrate or any other time). You don’t have to put up with body snarking, body stigma, or concern trolling. You don’t have to allow a running commentary on your body, health, or food choices from anyone. You don’t have to accept treatment you don’t like because people are your family, friends, or because they “mean well”. And you don’t have to internalize other people’s bullshit, you don’t have to buy into the thin=better/healthier/prettier paradigm or be preached at by people who do. Combating Holiday Weight Shame
For Those Who are Sad or Grieving
🦃 Ultimately, I’m writing to you, who for a million different reasons find peace difficult to come by in a time when it’s supposed to be plentiful. To Those Who Struggle This Christmas
For Those with Eating Disorders
🎄 Let’s make one thing clear: All eating should be guilt free, because all foods are guilt free. However, I understand that this is often not what we are taught, and we can end up with so much shame around eating during the holidays. FREE Ultimate Guide to Guilt Free Holiday Eating
🎄 Surviving the holidays when you have an eating disorder is not always easy. If you are like many of my clients you are not looking forward to the holiday parties, events, dinners, and plans. I have some tips to help you survive the holidays if you have an eating disorder. Eating Disorder Holiday Survival Guide
🎄 The more one restricts leading up to a holiday meal, the more likely that one will feel out of control at the meal. Managing Food During Holiday Meals When You Have an Eating Disorder »
🎄This episode is for anyone who struggles with the festive period as the holiday season can bring up lots of stress, anxiety, overwhelm, family conflicts, and grief & loss for those who have lost loved ones. The Holidays and Food with Julz »
Hi there! I'm Lindley. I create artwork that celebrates the unique beauty of bodies that fall outside conventional "beauty" standards at Body Liberation Photography. I'm also the creator of Body Liberation Stock and the Body Love Shop, a curated central resource for body-friendly artwork and products. Find all my work here at bodyliberationphotos.com.
